“Ha ha! Turn that up Tony!” Mike roared with tears of laughter streaming down his face.
Tony dutifully turned up the volume on his phone, the audio filling the small, messy office where they worked. “Alright guys, so check this out. I was browsing through a list of registered businesses and I came across this one…” the guy in the video started laughing uncontrollably before he could finish the sentence. The video zoomed in on a laptop screen showing several business names in alphabetical order. Through fits of laughter he managed to spit out, “Fairy Princess Spa and Resort!”
Don Miguel, their father, grunted. “What is that garbage? Turn it down, it’s distracting me.” He rolled his eyes and resumed scanning the books, marking off names of people he wouldn’t be threatening today.
“But dad,” Mike protested, “that’s our registered business name, and it’s gone viral!” He hunched over in his worn-down office chair and spun around.
“Viral? What the hell does that mean?”
Tony muted the video. “It means millions of people have seen it and it’s getting shared everywhere.”
Dad let out a long sigh and pressed his thumbs into his eyes. “Which one of you knuckleheads registered that stupid name for us?”
“Got me,” Tony said, eyeing Mike. “Junior sent it to me, maybe he knows? You want me to ask him boss?”
“Nah, nah, we’ve got bigger problems,” Don Miguel groaned through his thick jowls. “You say millions of people have seen that business name?”
“Yeah,” Tony shrugged.
“And does the listing have an address on file?”
Tony stared at him, his gears smoking as they tried to grind through the situation. “Uh…”
Don Miguel watched it dawn on the kid. “Yeah,” he confirmed. “You bozos better get to work.”
Tony launched himself out of his chair and smacked Mike in the back of his head. “Get up moron, we’ve got a big problem. Get Junior, Lenny, and Joe down here pronto. And have them bring plenty of pink paint.”
“Ow!” Mike protested, holding the back of his head. For a three hundred pound goon he was a wimp through and through. “Whaddaya talkin’ about? Pink paint?”
Lenny stepped back in the parking lot and admired his handiwork. “Not bad,” he mused, nodding to himself as he took in the storefront.
“Sure,” Joe chimed, slapping him on the back. “Not bad for a murder dungeon.” He chuckled and carried a shopping bag inside.
“Are those the costumes?” Tony asked nervously upon seeing him walk in through the glass doors.
“Yeah,” Joe said, setting the bag down and fishing one out. “Or uniforms I guess.” He snorted and tore open the plastic. Soon he was wincing, holding up a too-small leotard and tutu with his thumbs and forefingers while gripping a tiny plastic magic wand that was ridiculously outmatched by his sausage fingers.
“Where are the wings?” Tony asked painfully.
“Ah,” Joe turned the leotard around revealing the little wire-rimmed tulle wings, “they’re built in. Nice and easy.” He raised his eyebrows, waiting for praise, but Tony rolled his eyes.
“I do not want to see you wearing that,” he moaned.
“Yeah, well I do want to see you in it.” Joe smirked and pulled out another fairy costume, throwing it at Tony who flailed his arms evasively. It smacked him on the face and he scowled, picking it up.
Lenny and Junior came inside, pink paint all over their hands and clothes.
“Get changed,” Tony said, nodding to Joe. “Everyone needs to be in uniform for the grand opening in thirty minutes.”
“We’ve already got people piling up in the parking lot,” Junior groaned. Joe handed him a fairy costume. “Do I really have to wear this?” Junior whined.
“Yeah, shoulda thought twice before picking Fairy Princess Spa and Resort for a fake business name,” Tony growled.
“Hey! It wasn’t me! I just thought it was funny. It was Benny’s idea!”
“Oh yeah,” Tony said. “Where is Benny anyway?”
“You didn’t see him?” Joe asked. “He came in right away when we got back from the store.”
“Musta missed him,” Tony grumbled.
The bathroom door flew open and the group froze in horror. Benny came prancing out, beaming with delight. He had somehow managed to squeeze his giant torso into the pink leotard, but it had split open in a few critical areas. His thick, hairy legs jutted out uncomfortably from under the strained tutu, and he hadn’t bothered with the matching shoes that clearly wouldn’t fit.
“Isn’t this exciting?” Benny cried, holding the tiny wand up with pride.
Junior choked on his own spit and Tony just stared with disgust while Joe heaved and gagged, dashing for the toilet.
The group stared at the glass doors, most of them trembling. “Any of you guys know how to give a massage?” Lenny asked rhetorically.
Junior adjusted his crotch area for the tenth time that minute while Joe scratched himself.
“Anyone else got a sweaty crack?” Mike asked, pulling down on the bottom of the leotard between his legs.
“Come on guys,” Tony said, steeling himself. “It’s time to open. Everyone ready?”
“Heck yeah!” Benny cheered, looking around with excitement. He quickly slouched under the weight of all the glares he received.
Tony looked out through the glass doors. There was a mob of people waiting, most of them with little girls wearing similar costumes to their own.
“We just gotta convince these people they never want to come back so they’ll leave us alone and we can keep goin’ on with the real business, alright?” Tony asked, looking around. “Benny, that means you don’t actually help anyone, got it?”
Benny’s lower lip quivered and he winced hard. The water in his eyes trembled.
“For goodness sake Benny, are you gonna cry?” Joe asked incredulously.
“No!” Benny protested defensively.
Joe raised his eyebrows and looked back to the doors. “Let’s get this over with,” he sighed.
Tony unlocked the door and walked away. Tentatively a mother and two little girls walked in. The space was dirty and messy, with unpainted walls and boxes everywhere. They had no counter, no actual services to offer, and no idea what they were doing.
The little girls didn’t care. Their eyes lit up. “Fairy princesses!” they cried in unison, gazing around in amazement.
Benny smiled and ran over to them, hunching over to greet them. “Welcome!” he said, his fat lips parting in a grand smile that revealed several rotting, crooked teeth.
The mother looked mortified, as though she’d just walked into the middle of a gang fight. But one of the girls already had her arms around Benny’s tree-trunk of a neck while the other one bounced happily up and down.
Another mother poked her head and almost instantly retreated in but couldn’t stop her daughter from dashing to join the party.
Tony slapped his forehead and groaned. The others stared in disbelief.
“Uh,” Lenny began. “What are we going to do Tony?”
“I wanna have a tea party!” one of the girls squealed.
“Awesome!” Benny bellowed, giving her a high five.
“I have no idea,” Tony said, dragging his hand down his face, trying to peel it off.
Mermaid Pirate Dispatch 
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