Mermaid Pirate Dispatch

Wispy tendrils of cigarette smoke flew gracefully across the table. I coughed instinctively.

“Stop it,” Frank moaned, rolling his eyes as he tapped the cigarette against his ashtray.

I glared at him, holding his ice cold gaze with practiced steadiness. “Stop what?” I challenged.

He let out a long, exasperated sigh. “Come on,” he began.

“Would both of you please back down?” Amber groaned.

“It’s disgusting,” I growled.

“Not like it’s gonna kill you,” Frank shot.

“It smells awful,” I insisted.

“Please!” Amber cried. She looked right at me. “He’s right, it’s not going to kill you. Can you just tolerate it for one night?”

I scowled at her and glared back at Frank. “I wish you could get cancer,” I mumbled.

Frank just grinned wide, his brown teeth peering out through pruny lips. “Ha!” he bellowed, his tar-ridden lungs growling as he let out a series of self-righteous guffaws.

“Where is he?” Amber asked, glancing impatiently around the bar.

Frank shrugged. “Probably doesn’t pay much attention to the time. I quit caring what time it was a hundred years ago.” He took a long pull on his cigarette. “Used to carry a beautiful pocket watch. I wonder what ever happened to it? Probably worth a fortune now.”

I rolled my eyes and folded my arms, leaning back in the booth. I looked at the ceiling and extended my neck, wishing I could rise above Frank’s cloud for some fresh air.

“Ah!” Amber cried, scooting in closer to me.

I slid over a bit, letting Amber’s lovely hips glide over the vinyl upholstery until our thighs were touching. It so was nice I hardly noticed the young, lanky man in thick glasses sliding in beside her.

“John!” she said enthusiastically. “I’m so glad you could make it!”

The new guy made some nervous noises acknowledging his welcome while he glanced around the table and settled into the round booth. I watched his eyes jump from Frank to the cigarette a few times, then he glanced at me before letting his eyes linger comfortably on Amber. His lips curled into a slow, cautious smile, belying the horror in his eyes.

“Frank, Pete, this is John.” Amber waved a hand at the newcomer. “John, this is Frank and Pete.” She sat back with finality, smiling contentedly. She was leaning into me just enough that I couldn’t believe it was an accident. I smiled.

“Hey guys,” he said, giving a quick little wave but keeping his hands close to his body. “Nice to meet you.”

“Alright kid, so what’s your story?” Frank sucked on the stub of his cigarette and glanced at it with a sour look. With one hand he smashed it into the ashtray while patting around his body looking for a fresh one to light up.

“Well,” John began. “Amber tracked me down at the hospital and gave me a time and address to meet with you. That’s all there is to it right now…” He glanced at Amber, looking for approval.

“No, no, no,” Frank sighed, flicking his lighter impatiently. “I mean how’d it happen? How’d you figure out that you… uh… You know…” He clenched his jaw, raised his eyebrows, and shrugged, taking a long pull on the freshly smoldering cigarette.

“Oh…” John shifted his weight and I caught a fresh sheen of sweat forming on his forehead. “That… It’s a little embarrassing,” he said.

“Ha!” Frank said. “We’re all supposed to be dead. Sometimes people die in embarrassing ways. It’s part of the fun. Don’t worry kid, you’ve got plenty of time to get good at telling your story. Go on, what have you got for us?”

“Well…” John rubbed the back of his neck and looked to Amber, pleading for help. Rejected, his eyes settled back on Frank. “What’s your story?”

“Me?” Frank asked, unnecessarily dumbfounded. “Me and some buddies stole a bunch of liquor and took it up to the Grand Canyon. Spent all night enjoying the spoils of our little robbery. I got wasted, got too close to the edge of the canyon, and slipped right in. My gang watched me tumble all the way down to the bottom, then lost their minds when they saw my little speck at the bottom get up and start walking around.” He began laughing like a mad man. “I’ll never forget their spooked faces when I finally caught back up with them at the top two days later.” He wiped tears from his eyes. “Those buggers were sure they seen a ghost.”

John chuckled politely. “Well that doesn’t seem too embarrassing though,” he said, wincing.

I kept my lips sealed and glared at Frank who was eying me excitedly. I shook my head slowly, clenching my jaw.

“Wait’ll you hear Pete’s story,” Frank said, winking at me while he tapped away the ashes of his cigarette.

The kid looked at me eagerly with wide eyes.

“You first,” I said flatly.

“Oh,” he stuttered. “Well, I was pushed out a window.”

Frank gasped and quickly belted out a single obnoxious laugh. “That’s all kid?”

He shrugged. “I was naked.” He blushed and folded his arms defensively.

“Ha ha! What in tarnation had you sky divin’ in your birthday suit kid?” His raspy, wheezing laugh spewed smoke every which way and I cleared my throat, scrunching my nose at him.

John shook his head. “It was a girl,” he said, deep shame oozing from his eyes. “We broke up, then one day she wanted to get back together. But before I knew it she had pushed me out her apartment window. I fell six stories, the whole time thinking it was the end, but then I just kinda bounced off the sidewalk. It hurt, but not as much as the rejection.”

Frank was choking back a laughing fit. “Why’d she want you dead? Did she see you get up and walk away?”

John shrugged. “I didn’t look up. I was too busy worrying about all the strangers looking at me. You ever been naked in front of a hundred strangers?”

Frank laughed and shook his head. “Not yet, but you better believe it’s going on the list!”

“The list?” John asked.

“Well what else am I supposed to call it? Can’t call it a bucket list. It’s just a list now.”

John cracked a wry smile. “I guess so.” He turned back to me. “Alright, I went. Your turn.”

I took a deep, disgusting breath of Frank’s fumes and let out a long sigh, looking to Amber. She shrugged and smiled apologetically. I frowned and rolled my eyes. “Fine,” I said. “But just try to remember I was much younger then.”

Amber stifled a laugh and I locked eyes with her, catching a lovely glimmer off her marvelously blue irises.

“There was this girl,” I began, glancing quickly at Amber before continuing. “Mindy Shepherd. I’ll never forget that name. I really liked her. And I thought she really liked me. I don’t know what had me so convinced that she was into me,” I groaned inside myself. “Anyway, we went to the same school and I got it in my head I was going to ask her out. So I got some flowers and a card, stuck ’em in my locker, and waited until classes were over. But you see, I’d been nervous all day and my stomach was pretty upset with what I’d had to eat. Didn’t help that my last class of the day was gym. Anyway, I hit the showers, rushed back to my book locker, pulled out the flowers, and went to Mindy’s locker to make my move.”

Frank chuckled. “Tell ’em what you were wearin’ Petie boy.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m getting there.” I coughed and glared at him. “Anyway, I stood by her locker trembling while she fiddled around inside, and while I was waiting this other guy comes up and pulls her away for a big hug and a kiss.”

“Oh no,” John moaned. “A boyfriend?”

I shrugged. “Sure, but it broke my nerves. My stomach began rumbling and bubbling like you wouldn’t believe, and by the time Mindy turned to me I couldn’t hold it back much more. I exploded, and the force of the rocket squirts pulled my gym towel clean off my waist.” I grimaced. “I had forgotten to put my pants on. I had thrown on my shirt, but not much else. So the towel got blown off and I was standing there with flowers and a brown towel that used to be white at my feet, showing off everything to just about the whole school.”

“No kidding…” John mused. “But I don’t see how…”

“Just you wait!” Frank urged, pulling casually on his cigarette.

I sighed and shook my head. “Well, the guy slugged me and sent me flying along the hall, my butt cheeks leaving a nice, wet trail. I kinda hoped he’d kill me, but he didn’t. He and Mindy just left, laughing at me while the rest of the kids in the hall pointed and stared and giggled. I wanted to die.”

“Ah,” John said with understanding. “So you tried to kill yourself?”

“Nah,” I said. “That would come much later. After I realized I couldn’t die. I guess I thought maybe if I tried hard enough…” I paused, staring back through time at my old self with pity.

“So what happened?” John asked, snapping me out of it.

“I was mad with rage, mostly at myself. I wanted to disappear. But I was too much of a coward to take my own life, and I figured it would pass eventually, but I needed to do something to get my mind off it. I wanted to forget. So I went out drinking.”

“Weren’t you a minor?” John asked.

“This was the 50s. Things were different.”

“Ah.”

“Anyway, I got real hammered and decided I was pretty hot stuff, even if my crush wasn’t interested. So I started hitting on everything with long hair. Pretty sure I flirted with a mop at one point. Eventually this girl approached me and I figured I hit the jackpot. She was hot. Asked my name, kissed my ear… She really had me going. Soon I was ready to jump out of my britches and get it on, but she insisted on going back to her place. We ended up in her bed, and things were getting real hot and heavy. Making out, hands everywhere…” I grinned wearily. “But I hadn’t really cleaned up that well after school, and when she pulled my pants down the smell made me gag. Mix that in with the alcohol and I puked all over her.”

John groaned. “Man, this is getting worse and worse, but I still don’t see how…”

“Just wait,” Frank insisted, blowing a big hazy cloud into the middle of the table.

I sighed. “Well she rolled out from under me, completely disgusted, pulled a gun out of her nightstand, and pointed it at me. I threw up again from the shock, and she started screaming. ‘This was supposed to be a fun, easy hit!’ she said. Then she started demanding that I give her my wallet. I told her I was just a kid, that I didn’t have much money, then I had another sudden and powerful bowel movement. Mostly liquid. And that’s when I noticed the camera flash.”

“Camera flash?” John’s eyes widened.

“Yup. Someone had been watching from the corner with a camera. They got everything and as far as I know the photos wound up in the newspaper.”

“Why though?” John asked, stunned.

“‘Cause I was the mayor’s son.” I said, hanging my head. “They wanted to shame my family, and they got what they wanted.”

“I still don’t see how…” John started.

“Just wait,” Frank said, grinning with the cigarette hanging from his lip.

“I got mad,” I said. “I lunged at the girl, both of us covered in puke, and wrestled the gun from her. At first I pointed it at her, then I turned it on myself and pulled the trigger. The camera flashed again, but the gun was a fake. I rushed the man with the camera, and he fired off another shot, blinding me. My pants were still around my ankles and I tripped, blind with rage and from the flash. The woman was screaming, the man was yelling something, and soon there were sirens. The man ran and climbed out a window while the woman disappeared into the house. Soon cops burst into the room, weapons drawn, and found me rolling around in a puddle of puke and diarrhea like a wild naked man, angry and brandishing a gun that looked pretty real to them. They pumped me so full of lead I could have shielded the whole gang from a nuclear blast.” I sighed. “And that’s how I realized I couldn’t die. Didn’t keep me from trying for a few more years though. That’s when Frank found me, and later we picked up Amber.” I looked to her and found her gazing at me with bewildered amusement.

She politely choked back a laugh.

John snickered and shook his head. Then he turned to Amber. “What about you?” He asked. “Do you have an embarrassing story too?”

She burst into laughter. “Oh no!” she cried. “I was just in a house fire. Slept right through it and woke up naked in a pile of ashes.”

I chuckled and shook my head, my ears burning. Amber leaned hard into me, her body shaking with excitement and amusement. I smiled. Eat your heart out, Mindy Shepherd, I thought.

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