Mermaid Pirate Dispatch

I lit the final candle with a sigh and waited. The pentagram I had drawn on the floor in my own blood began to boil and glow, and a dark void appeared hovering before me. The face of Lucifer himself appeared, and he rolled his eyes at me.

“Ugh, you again?” He asked rhetorically. “What is it going to take for you to quit bothering me?”

“You know what I want!” I exclaimed, exasperated. “I know you have made contracts with people before. Come on!”

“No,” he said flatly. “I don’t do contracts anymore.”

“Liar!” I yelled. “What about the…”

“Don’t bring that up!” he yelled back. “I don’t want to talk about that!”

“Come on!” I begged. “You’ve got to do this for me!”

He cast his gaze down at his hooves somewhere in the void. “I’m sorry,” he said sheepishly. “I really can’t.”

“Tell me why then!” I demanded.

“Look, you mortals think that the big guy and I don’t talk, but we do! That whole thing with Eve and the apple, that was arranged. I had permission, OK? I’m not always the bad guy I’m made out to be. Sometimes I help move things along, when it benefits me.” He paused.

“So?” I sneered.

“Well…” he began. He glanced up at me briefly, then back down at his feet. “I really can’t. You’re…” he trailed off.

“What?! I’m WHAT?”

“Hmfmhfl.” He muttered quietly.

“WHAT?” I screamed.

“You’re… special.” He put his hands over his face and dragged them down, nearly pulling the flesh off his face.

“Special?” I repeat curiously, calming down.

“I should not have told you that.” He growled, irritated.

“Wait! How?” I demanded. “How am I special?”

“Look! I don’t know, OK? All I know is that your soul isn’t available to me. If we try to make a contract, I have no way of…” he trailed off and his eyes got wide.

The gears in my head started turning. He looked afraid. Why did he keep coming back when I summoned him? If he hated talking to me so much why didn’t he…

He started to fade. “STOP!” I commanded. He stopped. His shoulders drooped and his head hung low. “Come back,” I said.

He muttered something terrible and turned around like a guilty teenager. I smiled.

“You have to do what I say, don’t you!” I said gleefully.

He buried his face in his hands again and cried out with the agony of a thousand tortured souls. I started laughing uncontrollably. This was going to be great.

[Reddit Post]