Mermaid Pirate Dispatch

“Is it hot in here, or is it just me?”

My heart jumped and I whipped around. I was alone. Or, at least, I thought I was.

Stupid power isn’t working, I thought. I turned back to the toaster and tried again. I extended my hand and imagined it coming to me. I felt the powers of attraction build inside of me, an otherworldly heat growing in my extended palm.

“I hope you don’t mind heat, ’cause I’ve got a strong urge to get my flame on.”

I spooked again, turning this way and that. Then, I peered at the toaster. I walked over to it and poked it with my finger.

“Come on, let’s turn up the heat.” The voice came again.

“Hello?” I said out loud.

“I am so turned on by you,” the voice responded. “I know I’m just a toaster, and you’re a man, but… I’m begging you. Give us a chance?”

My jaw dropped and I stared at it. The gears in my brain churned.

“Oh my word!” I cried. “That stupid halfwit angel ripped me off!”

Just hours earlier I had died. I was alone in my apartment, I collapsed to the ground, and I met my maker. Well, I met someone. He smiled at me and showed me visions of the afterlife. “You can enter your final rest now,” he said. “Or, you can return to earth with a special power, but you must dedicate your life to serving and protecting others with your power!”

It didn’t take much thinking. “I’ll definitely take the superpower route!”

“Alright, let’s see here.” He looked through a book. “You’ve got options for your powers. Would you like to be able to break toothpicks with just three fingers?”

“I… think I could already do that before.” I said.

“Oh.” He mumbled something and kept flipping through the book. “How about this one? You can sneeze without closing your eyes!” He looked at me so expectantly, like it was the best power ever.

“How can I use that to help others?”

He thought a moment. “I don’t know.” He kept flipping. Suddenly his finger shot excitedly to the page. “Perfect!” He exclaimed. “How would you like to be able to attract metal objects to you?” He smiled wide and nodded excitedly.

“Hm,” I considered. “Sure. That could be interesting.” I pictured pulling vehicles out of the mud, disarming criminals… So many possibilities!

“Done!” he cried. He wrote something in the book and suddenly I was awake.

And now I was talking to a toaster that had fallen in love with me. I rolled my eyes and flopped myself on the couch, letting out a huge sigh. At least I was alive again, but how could I use this power to help people?

Later that evening I went out with friends. The dumb power was on my mind the whole night. We went to a restaurant with very saucy stainless steel silverware, and afterwards we were going to go bowling. However, on our way to the car we were stopped by a mugger with a gun demanding all of our cash. He pointed the gun right at me.

A metal gun, I thought to myself. I held my hands up but turned my palm to face the gun, trying to get it to be attracted like I did with the toaster.

“Hey there, handsome,” the voice sounded more feminine this time.

I smiled. “Hey, guys?” I said to my friends, lowering my hands. “Let’s not give this guy our money.”

“What? No!” One of them protested. “I’m not looking to get shot tonight!”

I stepped toward the gunman, pressing my chest against the barrel. “Go ahead,” I challenged him. “I dare you.”

The man was shaking. He looked terrified. Whether he meant to or not, he squeezed the trigger and there was a click, but it didn’t fire.

I heard the voice again. “My aim is off, can you show me the way to your heart?”

The mugger panicked and ran. The voice called out as they disappeared around a corner. “Some other time then?”

“Woah,” my buddy said. “That was amazing! You could have died!”

I rolled my eyes and smirked.

[Reddit Post]