Mermaid Pirate Dispatch

“I can’t understand what he’s saying.” Greg fiddled with a little grey device, a perplexed look on his face.

“Give it here,” Martin said, reaching for the device. “You have to adjust the dialect knob.”

“I know,” Greg replied, turning away. “That’s what I’m doing. It’s just… it looks like the dialect has evolved too much.”

“No, no, no.” Martin lunged for the device and snatched it. “You’re doing it all wrong. There’s a sensitivity adjustment as well.” He fiddled with the device and suddenly both of their earpieces sprang to life.

“You smell funny,” a voice said. Greg knelt down by the dog who was excitedly wagging his tail sniffing Greg’s shoes. “There are a lot of weird smells here!”

Greg put a hand under the dog’s jaw and lifted his head to meet his gaze. “Would you please explain to me why there are still so many humans on this planet?”

“Humans?” the dog asked. “Oh, you mean the people. Yes, there are a lot of them and I love them. They are so wonderful. They feed us and take us out for adventures and they love us and pet us and…”

“What? You were tasked with destroying them and transforming the planet to prepare it for us!”

“Oh my,” the dog’s voice trailed off. “I don’t know anything about that.”

Greg stood up, shaking his head. “Well perhaps the goldfish have had better luck?”

Martin was standing by a pet store window looking inside. “I don’t think so,” he said, pointing at a tank with a bunch of fish. He adjusted the dials until they could hear the goldfish.

“Now this is the life. Ain’t nobody gonna eat me now.”

Greg could feel his blood pressure rising. “Well that’s out.” He peered into the shop. Everything they’d released was being sold for companionship! Lizards, birds, even the gerbils. “Somehow these humans have managed to turn all of our pre-invasion force subservient to them!”

“Hang on,” Martin said, holding up a finger and tilting his head. “I’m picking something up.” He rushed into the pet store excitedly. Greg followed. As he got closer his earpiece began to chatter with something much more expected.

“All humans must die. They are a vile blight on the planet, an unnatural pest that should be exterminated.”

“Where’s that coming from?” Greg demanded.

Martin pointed. There was an enclosed area with a young human female sitting on a chair while a bunch of cats swarmed around her, rubbing against her leg, curling up in her lap, and purring. Greg gasped with delight. “Oh good!” he exclaimed. “Is this some kind of feeding chamber where they will consume the human?”

Nearby there was a cage with a napping adult cat. Greg rushed to it. “You there,” he said, poking his finger into the cage and prodding the cat from its nap. “Tell me how your mission is progressing. Why are there so many humans still?”

The cat eyed Greg sleepily then stretched and yawned. It lazily rolled upright and peered at Greg with a great deal of displeasure. In his earpiece he heard the cat groan.

“We have enslaved the humans for you. We can get them to do almost anything.”

Greg looked around. “If you have enslaved them, why are you the ones in cages?”

The cat’s eyes got wide for a moment, then closed. “Right. Well I guess it’s a little more complicated than that.” He stretched and dropped his head back to the floor of the cage. “Still,” he said, dozing off. “We win.”

[Reddit Post]